Tuesday nights seem to be the time of the week I'm most likely to think about killing myself.
Some people hate Mondays.
Some people are exhausted by Wednesday ( hump day ).
Some people are filled with dread on a Sunday night because it's time to go back to work or school or a mundane combination of both.
For me, Tuesday nights are when I generally picture myself jumping in front of a bus or drowning myself in a bathtub. Or just quietly think about simply not being.
Tuesdays are too quiet. Too lonely.
I'm not even actively *sad* right now. Like some depressives, I feel very little right now which is often worse than feeling sad.
I just feel overwhelmed to the point of shutting down. Shut it. The fuck. Down.
But there's nothing to worry about because I never close down shop completely. Good old reliable Veronica, "you're the strongest person I know" Veronica, will pull out of it enough to go to work tomorrow, to be funny enough for co workers and Facebook, to go to practice and be a "supportive" teammate (which is an issue to discuss on another day). Mediocre even as a head case. Working very hard to keep it together to stay alive and present for a life that I'm not even currently enjoying. Where's the sense in that?