Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Tuesday nights seem to be the  time of the week I'm most likely to think about killing myself.

Some people hate Mondays.
Some people are exhausted by Wednesday ( hump day ).
Some people are filled with dread on a Sunday night because it's time to go back to work or school or a mundane combination of both.

For me, Tuesday nights are when I generally picture myself jumping in front of a bus or drowning myself in a bathtub. Or just quietly think about simply not being.

Tuesdays are too quiet. Too  lonely.

I'm not even actively *sad* right now. Like some depressives, I feel very little right now which is often worse than feeling sad.

I just feel overwhelmed to the point of shutting down. Shut it. The fuck. Down.

But there's nothing to worry about because I never close down shop completely. Good old reliable Veronica, "you're the strongest person I know" Veronica, will pull  out of it enough to go to work tomorrow, to be funny enough for co workers and Facebook, to go to practice and be a "supportive" teammate (which is an issue to discuss on another day). Mediocre even as a head case.  Working very hard to keep it together to stay alive and present for a life that I'm not even currently enjoying. Where's the sense in that?

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